Fish and Cherries Productions

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Ronin’s Top 9 Worst Movies of 2015

Ho boy, this is the year. Not the year that movies got worse, because they most certainly didn’t, but the year that I started taking my job more seriously. And in doing so, I got a taste of some of Hollywood’s worst. Yes, this is the year that I’m diving into the muck and giving you guys my list of 2015’s worst movies. There are only two rules: I have to have done a Reel Snippet on them and they have to have come out this year. But since I had to have seen them, you won’t be seeing Vacation, Pan, or Mordecai on this list. Sorry. So let’s have one more cleansing expulsion of bile as I present my Top 9 Worst Movies of 2015. Why Top 9? …because I only saw nine movies I considered bad.

9. Jurassic World


This is going to come down to a difference of opinion with a lot of people. I have quite a few friends who liked this movie and that’s fine. But man, oh man, I did not. It’s hard to know what to single out here, be it the annoying characters, the various insults to our intelligence, the contrived plot, or that hideously offensive talk about divorce which, no, I still haven’t gotten over, nor will I ever. Apart from Chris Pratt and his dino crew, I had no investment in any of the other characters and thus, didn’t care what happened to them, and as such was left with the special effects as Chris Pratt’s costars. Sorry, but I pay to see people, not just spectacle. If I wanted the opposite, I would go watch the Star Wars prequels.

8. Ted 2


I imagine several fans might be scratching their heads at this particular entry. They might ask, “Didn’t your review say that you liked Ted 2?” And I would reply, “Not exactly.” I originally wrote that it scratched a particular itch that I had, which is fine in itself. But I found that as time passed and I thought about the movie more, I liked it less and less. I realized that in order for this movie to work, it had to take a giant crap on the original movie and everything it accomplished. This is quite the problem because I genuinely like the original Ted, so the idea of throwing out all the maturity and happiness Mark Wahlberg had achieved to stick him with a stoner girlfriend that doesn’t challenge him or make him better is a gross disservice.

On top of that, it was chock full of Seth MacFarlane’s worst traits. The pop culture references were more intrusive than ever, taking up entire swaths of the movie and padding it out. I laughed at some of the shock humor and insult comedy, but later I had to ask if I laughed because he was insulting someone I also disliked or because I legitimately found it funny. On reflection, it also felt a lot more mean spirited than the original, but not in an entertaining or thought-provoking way that you might see on South Park. I may have enjoyed it at the time, but looking back I can’t really see a reason for this movie to exist apart from pure self indulgence. Remember those words… we’ll be coming back to them quite a bit.

7. The Age of Adaline


Would you believe that this was the movie that convinced me to do a “worst of the year” list? I really went in wanting to like this, but I found myself not just apathetic, but just wishing that I was watching the other, better movies it reminded me of. What really added insult to injury was that the show Forever, which pulled off the immortality concept way better, got canceled the same year this came out. What more can I say? It was uninteresting, it wasted Harrison Ford’s talents, and it lacked the heart necessary for any romance to work. Adaline may have been immortal, but this movie’s impact certainly isn’t.

All right, now that we’re done with that, let’s get to the truly awful movies. These last three just barely scraped on getting to the list, but now we’re getting to the truly demonic stuff.

6. Terminator Genysis

terminator genisys

This was not a great year for people trying to make a quick buck off nostalgia. The aforementioned Jurassic World felt as lifeless as a dino fossil, Jem and the Holograms bombed epically (so much so that it wasn’t in theaters long enough for me to see it), and then there was this piece of scrap. Between the nonsense plot and the complete disregard for the entire franchise it’s meant to revive, it’s a wonder that it got any money back at all. I’m glad I watched all the movies leading up to it so that I could really appreciate how much this film just doesn’t get Terminator and how great the original two movies were. I hear that the filmmakers are trying to listen to fans and figure out where they went wrong to fix things in the future, but after the last three Terminator films, I’m not holding my breath.

5. Pixels


Remember when Adam Sandler was funny? You know, before he got Happy Madison into full swing and realized that his movies could make top dollar, even though he just uses them to go on vacation and give his friends work? (I’m not joking, he actually said the vacation part.) Well, meet the new boss… he really sucks at his job. Even if I excused the laziness and lack of effort, there’s no excusing the outdated views on women throwing themselves at the hero even when they’ve been nothing but boorish and douchey the entire time. Comedy has changed and yet Sandler refuses to grow up. He sticks to his 13-year-old boys’ club material and either can’t or refuses to broaden his scope to include anyone else. I really wanted to like Pixels when it was first announced, but in the end, all I got were two laughs and a wasted premise.

4. Fantastic 4


I could go into a laundry list of problems this film had, but I can boil it all down to one thing: it’s anti-fun. Oh, I don’t mean that it’s against the idea of having fun, though it certainly is that. I mean that it is the antithesis of fun, like antimatter is to matter. I make no exaggeration when I say that I was in a bad mood from this movie for a few days after the fact. Apart from that, is there really any point of beating this dead horse? Everyone hates this movie and they’ve pretty much pointed out every misstep this film and its troubled production made. If you really need one more reason that this movie is crap, take this anecdote: when I was leaving the theater, I turned to the seat behind me and saw a boy asleep in the chair. Let me rephrase that: a boy at the age when explosions are the coolest thing ever fell asleep during a superhero action movie. That is how you know that you’ve failed.

3. Jupiter Ascending


I have found that quite a few people like this movie. I have even made an effort to understand why and for the life of me, I can’t. I don’t understand how people can look past the putrid dialogue and acting, the god awful writing, and the worst attempt at “girl power” since the Barbie computer book. The movie hits me really hard because the Wachowski’s previous movie, Cloud Atlas is one of my favorite movies and I was really hoping that this would continue to what looked like a vast and original universe. But the sheer incompetence and the crippling unoriginality under the pretense of grandeur and importance not only lands it on this list, but on my personal list of top ten worst movies of all time. Don’t look now, but Jupiter’s plummeting fast.

So if I hate this movie so much, why isn’t it on the number one spot or even the number two? Well, as bad as Jupiter Ascending was, it at least had a plot, unlike…

2. Fifty Shades of Grey


The funny thing is that I just heard about another movie similar to this that also came out last year called Old Fashioned. From what I’ve heard, it is to abstinence what Fifty Shades is to BDSM, complete with the creepy guy, yet somehow Christian Grey comes off as less of a serial killer overall. That fact alone scares me because Christian Grey was already one of those guys that sets off every single red flag on the first hello (and yet Marlon Wayans will probably be even less charismatic in the upcoming parody movie). I’m actually kind of baffled that this made money because not a single person applauded or had any sign of enjoyment when it was all over. In fact, a few walked out before the end. In fact, the director declined to come back for the sequel. This thing is starting to reach the Super Mario Bros. movie’s level of everyone on the project hating it, except E.L. James who still seems to be under the illusion that her trilogy of Twilight fanfiction is the highest form of art.

In a sane world, this would sit at the number one spot and this would be a Top 8 list. But sadly, one snuck in at the last moment, something well and truly foul, and yet the Razzies didn’t grab it. But I respect and cherish the possibilities of online media, even when it’s awful, so…

1. The Ridiculous 6


This was the year that Happy Madison Productions fully came onto my radar. I’d heard of their reputation, watched some reviews of their films, and even caught some that I either dismissed or was too kind to in my youth. But now that I’ve seen their newest films with a fully matured mind, I not only fully understand the hatred towards them, but I completely embrace it, especially after this one. This studio and Adam Sandler in particular make their money off of playing to the lowest common denominator and they’ve come out with some spectacular bombs this year (I was fortunate enough to miss The Cobbler and Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 or this list would be longer), but this film takes the cake. It is the absolute nadir of talent, writing, and humor. I’m trying to think back to all the stupid things I liked at the time when I liked Adam Sandler and I’m finding it impossible to imagine a scenario when I would enjoy this film.

This is one of the few films that make the world look uglier when I think about it, something these other movies couldn’t do on most of my worst days. Sure, Fifty Shades may have painted a bad picture of BDSM culture, making it look like glorified abuse, but when you think of everything that is wrong with modern movies — racism, sexism, ableism, nepotism, pointless reference humor, wish fulfillment at the expense of everyone else involved, pandering with the most banal humor and ugliest stereotypes, and not doing research on sensitive topics — The Ridiculous 6 embodies all of it. It hurts because Adam Sandler used to be comic gold in his SNL days, with skits like Operaman, the Hanukkah Song, Sloppy Joes, his Bruce Springsteen impersonation, and even some of his early movies that, at the least, can be guilty pleasures. But this movie is so bad that it actually taints all of Sandler’s material that I enjoyed from the past. Even if I were to consume double the alcohol I did for Fifty Shades of Grey, it would not help this movie. It may actually be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, eclipsing the likes of The Last Airbender, Zardoz, and Terminator 3, which are films I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. All in all, this one just makes me sick.

God, I feel like I need a shower after making this list. Luckily for me, I like to get the bad stuff out of the way so I can celebrate the good with a clean spirit. I’ve literally saved the best for last, so stay tuned for my Top 13 Best Movies of 2015 after I finish up a few stragglers that I don’t think should be overlooked. If you think I missed a movie or that I was too unfair on one of my entries, then leave a comment below and, as always, keep it civil. See you on the sunny side.

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