Fish and Cherries Productions

The following was viewed at a special screening and was in no way obtained illegally.

Serenity 2: Still Flying was a massive breath of fresh wittiness as Joss and the Firefly cast reunited for another trip into the Verse. Admittedly, the recasting of Jayne as Chris Hemsworth was a little jarring at first, but considering Adam Baldwin’s involvement in starting the #GamerGate scandal and Whedon’s own feminist views, it’s easy to see how conflicts would have forced a change. Also, Chris’ Southern drawl is quite convincing once you stop asking yourself when Thor ever spent time in the sticks. On the subject of returning faces, however, not only do Wash and Sheppard Book return in a brilliant scene where River is forced confront her own tortured psyche, but in the form of Adelei Niska, coming right off of the Firefly series to provide a chilling antagonist.

What’s really amazing is that after all these years, the cast still feels so natural together and can work off each other so well. There’s a scene involving Mal, Zoe, Simon, two angry clients, and a coffee maker that I won’t dare spoil. In lesser hands, this scene would have fallen flat, but the actors and Whedon’s writing work so well together that the entire audience, myself included, were rolling in the aisles. That said, it is a Whedon film and even though we were all prepared to get our hearts stabbed, nothing could have prepared us for who died here. If you played the Red Wedding scene from Game of Thrones twenty-seven times in a row, it still wouldn’t compare to the emotional gut wrench that scene provided. Suffice to say, this comes highly recommended. Fans will surely get a kick out of it, but newcomers will not only find it accessible, but incredibly engaging. Buy your tickets soon when it comes out because I’ll bet my life that they’ll sell out fast. It’s funny, some people at the special screening remarked how they weren’t sure that people would be interested in this universe continuing, that it was too old for people to latch onto. But it’s like Kaylee says in a line that’s sure to be famous on release, “The ship keeps stalling, but she’ll never stop flying.”

Like you, I am shocked about the video that was leaked from inside DHX Studios containing what can only be described as “shocking debauchery.” We don’t know who the source is, but clues point to someone inside Hasbro or perhaps the head of Jan Animations, who was recently brought onto the facilities for a possible job interview. Whoever took the video did so at great risk to show us that behind the technicolor horses and friendship letters lies a bed of corruption that even the worst frat party would call extreme.

Things started out rather innocuously when Tara Strong was found eating grapes in an outfit that can best be described as a cross between Twilight Sparkle and Harley Quinn. Reliable and scrupulous sources such as TMZ report that she does everyday grocery shopping in this outfit. However, things started to get strange when Andrea Libman walked in wearing a red negligee and then threw it off to reveal a Princess Leia metal bikini underneath, all while the soundtrack to Flashdance was playing. The two women started dancing as the fire sprinklers went off and spewed whipped cream, prompting M.A. Larsen to strut in wearing nothing but a banana hammock patterned with Discord’s colors.

More and more staff began to come in as the degenerate sight increased in magnitude. We thought that things were bad when Meghan McCarthy and Sibsy started limboing under a live python and doing something unspeakable with cherries, but that was just the icing on the cake. Speaking of, it was at this point that a large wedding cake was rolled in and from inside popped out Amy Keating Rogers and Josh Haber, both wearing see-through white dressed and merged at the sides to be Siamese twins by a strange concoction of butterscotch and curdled goat milk.

However, the true horror came several minutes later when the doors swung open and in came Michelle Creber, fully dressed as Ming the Merciless, on a palanquin carried by the Living Tombstone, accompanied by a dog that had Black Gryph0n’s head attached (and talking, like a crazy experiment out of Mars Attacks). It was then that the Living Tombstone started dropping a mad beat and Michelle proceeded to call Cthulhu, Hastur, and all of the other old ones who all appeared and started warping reality around them. It was at this point that the hitherto unknown videographer ran away screaming, sounding a lot like Donald Duck singing Gwar while underwater and further escapades were unknown.

Look, I get that the studio’s motto is, “Whatever happens at DHX stays at DHX,” but I feel like a line has to be drawn somewhere. I fear that if the higher ups of Hasbro see this, this may be the end of ponies as we know it. Or… maybe they’re in on it.

NOTE: This was supposed to air yesterday.

It’s time to dive into the darkness of Michael Bay, huh?