Fish and Cherries Productions

Jupiter Ascending was a movie so bad, it nearly broke me. Unlike Fifty Shades of Grey, I didn’t have a healthy cushion of alcohol to fall back on and as such I got the full force of a movie terrible enough to make me laugh and cry in the fetal position at the same time. The best you could say about the film is that it’s visually creative, but that’s about where the praise ends. We know next to nothing about the characters, save for a few where they have exposition dumps devoted to them, who all seem to struggle with one another for relevance in the story. Even the main villain switches in the middle of the story, apropos of nothing. The whole thing is incredibly bland storywise and has the distinct dishonor of being one of those rare movies that is both over-explained and yet criminally underdeveloped. Concepts are introduced, but are by no means established, leaving a lot of hanging scenes where you just have to wonder what the point was. Even if they’re leading up to a punchline, you can’t help but feel that the whole thing could have been left on the cutting room floor.

But the biggest crime of this movie is how it takes Eddie Redmayne and puts him in an absolutely thankless role. He won an Academy Award for playing Stephen Hawking, but here his performance alternates between a poor man’s Marlon Brando and a screeching rooster. It would be bad enough to leave it at that, but then there’s the gender politics that go belly-up in this supposedly women empowerment film. I said back in another Snippet that I don’t consider the Bechtel Test a show of real feminism and this film is living proof. Despite it passing the test, Jupiter constantly gets kidnapped and needs saving to move the plot forward. That really sums up the experience, as I feel like I was getting abducted from reality against my will and forced to watch this dross. If anyone likes this movie, I won’t hold it against them, but I personally want to bundle up all my memories of this film and fire them into a black hole.

21 Jump Street was a damn funny movie, even if it became tripped up by the tropes it was trying to parody. It’s odd because you wouldn’t think that a remake of such an old and obscure property would warrant such high praise. But with the writers of The LEGO Movie on board, we get a really clever and really funny send-up to buddy cop and high school coming-of-age movies. True, they unfortunately have to go through the clichés of the third-act break-up between multiple parties and the hero’s reward kiss, but the film plays with them enough to not make them too insufferable. I’m not sure what else to say other than it was a really funny movie worth a watch and I’d be happy to check out the sequel.

Wait, there is one other thing. A criminal is not released from custody just because they weren’t read their Miranda Rights! That is complete crap invented by Hollywood for tension just like the one phone call rule! The event that kicked off the entire plot is complete bullshit! There, I’m done now.

The Book of Life was a huge slog to get through. Granted, the animation was absolutely beautiful, especially in the Land of the Dead segments, and definitely deserves merits in its own right. But the script is a complete wash with clichés, arbitrariness, and inconsistencies abound. Also baffling was the use of contemporary music with a mariachi twist, when traditional Mexican music or more original songs would have been better. On top of that, rapper Ice Cube as the great spirit known as The Candlemaker was a huge misstep. He was so out of place and every scene he was speaking in made me cringe.

Perhaps the biggest flaw is how the film almost never has any quiet moments. There’s constant dialogue, noise, and unnecessary narration, like the film is afraid the audience would get bored if it didn’t. The key element of cinema is to show, don’t tell, and this film fails on that front pretty hard. It would have been better if they had allowed things to be delivered through visuals and teach kids to recognize that early in life. Children are smarter than we give them credit for and need to be treated with respect. You just can’t do that when the kids aren’t even allowed a moment to process things or figure things out for themselves. However, a few people I know seem to like it despite its flaws, so maybe I should leave this up to you guys. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend this unless you’re an animation enthusiast or curious about the cultural aspects, and even then I would wait for the rental.