Fish and Cherries Productions

Here we are, at the moment of truth. This has been a long time coming, with hope and dread tugging at me from both angles. Now we’ve come to the point where the Ronin judges the Spartan. Ladies and gentlemen… my review of this week’s hottest blockbuster. This Monday night, it’s Batman v. Superman… v. the audience.

Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the first feature length movie of the Internet production studio, Rooster Teeth. But you guys saw my review on Man of Steel… so I know what you’ve all really been waiting for.

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Lazer Team

Ugh…

I am not looking forward to this weekend.

As you all are probably aware, due to the numerous trailers, TV spots, and promotions, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice comes out this Friday. There are two reasons this upsets me. First of all, it is a sequel to Man of Steel and if I haven’t made it clear already, I absolutely loathe that movie. It isn’t just a bad Superman adaptation, altering something that didn’t need to be fixed and warping the character’s core concept, but it’s a pretty awful film in general. Man of Steel can’t convey the simple concepts it wants to present, which results in shoddy characterization and plotting, while it revels in a washed out palette and dreary tone that it mistakes for maturity.

The second reason calls back to one of my posts last year. See, I discovered that DC was abusing a loophole to avoid paying royalties to some of their creators, the last in a long list of immoral and toxic business decisions. I publicly swore a boycott on giving press to any of their products, good or bad. Well, here’s the thing: if I’m going to be taken seriously in the critical world, then I have to break that oath. Refusing a gig on the sole basis of having a grudge against the creator is kind of unprofessional in the critical world. So even though I’d rather do anything else, I will see Batman v. Superman and give an honest review of it, good or bad. People will want to know how it is, so I’m going to give it to them.

Doesn’t mean I have to like doing it, though.

SPOILER WARNING

Man of Steel was complete garbage and one of the most joyless experiences I’ve ever experienced in the theater. It goes against everything that the Superman character stands for and doesn’t even have the intelligence to realize that it isn’t an intelligent redesign. Almost everything is wrong with this film, from the script to the washed out pallet to its failed attempts at being “mature” to the fact that Superman, the ultimate hero of our time, saves no one and actually causes more destruction than the villains. The fact that Superman actually kills General Zod doesn’t help either, not only because it’s a betrayal of the character, but because there were any number of ways that he could have solved that problem, like flying away or sending him back to the Phantom Zone earlier. Hell, the entire movie runs an idiot plot because Zod could have just made the new Krypton on Mars or Venus and never would have had to fight anyone. And Jonathan Kent, Superman’s moral center growing up, suggesting that it might be acceptable to let a bus full of children die when he could have done something about it? If I may drop the pretense of professionalism for a bit…

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKK
YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing to be gained from watching this cinematic stillbirth except the growing realization that you wasted good money and hours of your time. This has officially set my new standard for bad movies. It’s drab, it’s depressing, it’s downright worthless. And do you want to know what the real kicker is? I never knew how much I cared about Superman until I saw him butchered on the big screen.