Fish and Cherries Productions

Fifty Shades of Grey was bad with a capital B. Even if I hadn’t been loaded with alcohol while watching, the dialogue was stilted and bad enough to make me burst out laughing. This attempt at romance fails not just because the sex scenes have the steaminess of a plate of cold noodles, but Christian Grey is creepy enough to have a book based on him entitled Fifteen Ways to Know You’re Dating a Serial Killer. For crying out loud, after Anastasia refuses his advances, he drives her to a remote area of the woods and asks her to take a walk with him. What do your parents have to do to you to make you think that’s a good idea?

Worst of all, the movie had no plot whatsoever. The closest thing I can think of is it revolving around whether or not Anastasia signs the contract (and really, is there nothing hotter and sexier than reducing red hot passionate sex to paperwork?), but even that’s weak as all hell. There is no payoff in this movie whatsoever. The sex scenes are awful, the characters are morons, Christian is hilariously awful in how he was written to personify vaginal manipulation, and lest we forget the horrible and abusive way this movie paints BDSM culture. Really, everyone has beaten that drum until the hide broke and it wasn’t nearly as awful in that regard as I dreaded (though it’s still pretty bad). See this only if you have enough friends to riff it and alcohol to dull the experience, but for God’s sake, don’t pay for it. It really is hilariously dreadful and if I see a worse movie this year… I don’t know, I may actually resign doing Reel Snippets.