Reel Snippet – Deadpool
Synopsis: Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) is not the nicest mercenary in the world, but he strikes gold when he finds love…
HOLD IT!
Oh crap…
Move over, Commodore Mutton Chops. I’m not gonna let you screw up reviewing my movie like you did with Hail, Caesar! I mean, writing about a Coen Brothers movie while jet lagged? Smooth f****ing move, Ebert!
I mean… This isn’t really how I…
Besides, who better to tell the story of Deadpool than Deadpool himself? Gather ’round, ladies and gents. You’re about to have your critical mind blown by the merc with the mouth.
Ugh. Shoot me.
Okay!!
My Movie’s Awesome Plot: Hey there. Name’s Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds, God’s gift to humanity). If you’ve ever woken up with a sense of arousal at night, whatever your sex may be, chances are you were thinking about me. Hands off, though, because at the end of this movie, I found love with hotness incarnate, name of Vanessa (Moneca Baccarrin, the hot one from Firefly). Oh man, I could spend all day thinking about that perfect pair of…
Get on with it, please.
Right. So as everything’s going great, I get struck with a very aggressive bit of cancer. In order to save my girl from waiting for the widow train of the terminal terminal, I sign up for some kind of shady government experiment to cure me. And they do! Sort of. And then the douchebag scientist that worked on me (Ed Skrein from stuff I don’t watch) left me to die in an exploding building. Lucky for me, I’m a mutant now with a healing factor so broken that video games have been nerfing me since I got big. Now I’m back with a shiny red costume, enough weapons to scare the NRA, and a mission: get the good doctor to fix my now misshapen face and then shove his head so far up his ass that he’ll be able to chew his next meal twice before it comes out. Look out, world, ’cause here comes Deadpool!
Why You Should Go See My Movie: Deadpool, both the film and yours truly, are hilarious, raunchy, and more fun than you or your grandma can handle. A big reason for that is that I’m incredibly accurate to my source material, doing all the things you want me to do. I slaughter with extreme prejudice, I swear up a storm, and I’ve got my awesome fourth wall breaking powers that let me be aware of every medium I’m in, be it comics, movies, games, or a second-rate review blog that just happened to review my movie.
Eat me.
Oooooh, tempting. But yeah, any fans still sore about my awful representation in X-Men Origins: Wolverine (THEY SEWED MY F***ING MOUTH SHUT!! WTF?!?!) can rest easy because I’m all authentic. Oh yeah, and some X-Men show up too. That’s cool, but the studio couldn’t be bothered to get more than two. But you all know who you really came to see. Here’s a hint, his name’s in the title.
Talk about the movie, asshat.
Hey! Don’t rush an artist! But yeah, the movie is a breath of fresh air in this superhero market because it’s so irreverent and off the wall, especially compared to how safe other superhero movies play it. Do you think Disney would let my ugly mug out the door talking about sex and chopping off limbs? Hell no. But that’s what makes it great. We get to push the boundaries of what these movies are known for. Variety, you know? Yeah, Tony Stark can flirt and have PG-13 sex with people, but I get straight up kinky. I’m rebellious and tasteless without being too grungy or unpleasant. I’ve got breathing room to be myself, but I take myself so not-seriously that you want to see more.
Sure, the villains and side characters aren’t Shakespeare, but you know what? They’re the straight men to my lunacy. Plus, my boy Ryan needed a break after he got stuck with the gigantic turds that were X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Green Lantern (which we take several opportunities to skewer). Ryan’s a huge fan of me and he made sure that they got me right for the silver screen. Just goes to show that when you make something with love and respect, you can give people something they can really enjoy. I… I love you too, Ryan. Man, I’m getting swept over with all this Valentines Day emotion. *sniff* Go see my movie, everyone. Don’t bring your kids, bring a date. And if she loves it… well, then she’s your kind of crazy… I need a tissue.
Another Reason My Movie Is Awesome: Near the end, I meet up with an old friend named Bob, an agent of HYDRA in the comics… and a character we did not have the rights to! But we changed enough of his backstory so the studio won’t get in trouble. That’s right, motherf***ers! We ripped off Disney and got away with it. Excuse us while we polish our brass balls!
There, I did your review for you. Wasn’t that fun?
Get out of my house!
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