Fish and Cherries Productions

Pixels was not only stupid, lazy, and banal, it was just gross. It’s attitude towards women – even apart from Josh Gad portraying a really creepy individual capitalizing on the long-disproven basement dweller stereotype – leaves a lot to be desired, what with some of them being portrayed as literal trophies for the victorious heroes. Oh, sorry, did I give that away? Yeah, the heroes win the day while propping up Adam Sandler as the all American hero in the most self-congratulatory way possible. You know, despite him and his costars being absolutely unlikable, Sandler in particular having the charisma of soggy cardboard. The plot points also make no sense, like how did Peter Dinklage enter a Pac-Man cheat code into a car? Why did the hot video game character fall for Josh Gad? How did Kevin James become President of the United States when he couldn’t even read? And why does Adam Sandler get a pass on cheating when no one else did? Oh right, because he’s supposed to be the hero, one who makes movies like these just to go on vacation and give his less talented friends work.

What really kills this movie for me is that there’s a great idea underneath it all, and not just because this plot is ripped off of a Futurama episode. I’m with the Walker brothers in that this could have been a great child adventure film set in the 80s with good child actors, something harkening back to E.T. or The Wizard. Instead, it gets bogged down by tired clichés and humor based on pure ignorance of other cultures, genders, and sexualities. Get it? The British Prime Minister is funny because the English talk weird. Those two guys are hugging! It’s funny because they’re acting emasculated in the face of danger. Aren’t our jokes great? No. No, they’re not. They’re dragged out kicking and screaming from the most ignorant and immature parts of American culture.

If you have to watch this, watch it drunk. It only took two beers for me to get sucked in by Sandler’s charm, but then again I’m a lightweight. I don’t even want to praise the stunning visuals or the two genuine laughs, because I felt really dirty after laughing. Happy Madison Productions is a testament to the lowest common denominator of moviegoers and this film is living proof. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play Shadow of the Colossus for some real entertainment. Maybe it’ll wash the taste of this Pixel-ated bukkake out of my mouth. And that image is much less disgusting than this movie or anything from Sandler’s outdated repertoire.