Fish and Cherries Productions

http://www.ign.com/articles/2014/04/25/ray-fisher-cast-as-cyborg-in-batman-vs-superman

Actual quote from the article:

“[Ray] Fisher had also recently been up for the young male lead in Star Wars: Episode VII. His casting in Batman vs. Superman would appear to have put the kibosh on that.”

I… I have no words.

I don’t know all the details and he could have been eliminated, but if you weren’t… I mean, God. You turned down a role in Star Wars to be in the sequel to one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

I mean… JESUS!!!!

WHY?!?!

WHY?!?!?!?!

I just… I don’t understand people sometimes. I hope for this guy’s sake that Batman vs. Superman actually turns out to be good, because otherwise that’ll just be the worst career move ever. Then again, Zach Snyder’s back at the helm and he outright accused people who didn’t like Man of Steel to be “clinging to the Richard Donner version” rather than his “realistic version…” Yeah, my hopes aren’t high. Also, Zach Snyder is directing the Justice League movie in 2018, so I get to watch all my heroes get butchered before my eyes.

To paraphrase The Spill, “We need to kidnap Zach Snyder, shove him in a trunk, and drop him off in Mexico and our problems will be solved.” Let’s pray for a miracle, people.

The Grand Budapest Hotel is a wonderfully quirky experience that left me smiling. Apart from the witty humor and dialogue, a big part of the charm is that the film keeps reminding you that it’s a story. A few of the backdrops are clearly beautiful paintings, a bit of the narration acts like the non-dialogue text of a book, a lot of the colors are so vibrant that no one would dare use them in any real establishment, and the film’s aspect ratio changes depending on when the scene takes place. The atmosphere and humor itself are delightfully quirky and there are even some dark comedy moments that never feel out of place or mean-spirited. The only nitpick I have is that none of the actors, whose characters hail from Europe or the Middle East, even attempt an accent and it’s a little distracting at times. However, the end result is a great film which brings an air of class and poetry that has been sorely missing from cinema lately.

I think everyone can agree that Les Miserables by Victor Hugo has become a smash hit. The story has gone through many adaptations, most notably the sensational Broadway musical and several films, the latest of which I still maintain was like having your teeth pulled with no Novocain. But did you know that it was also adapted into a fighting game a la Street Fighter? If you watch the Nostalgia Critic regularly, your response would be something akin to, “well, duh.” But if you are currently finding yourself with a slack-jawed and confused expression, sit yourself down and drink with me as I recount a very strange tale.

In January of 1998, a single Japanese developer named Takase coded from scratch a game based on the Bible-length novel. The game was ported into the United States under the name Arm Joe, which is a bastardized localization of the Japanese title for Les Mis, Aa Mujou, which literally translates to, “Ah, Cruelty.” Yes, as some of you may have noticed in the nineties, American localization was about as graceful as a runaway cart slamming you into a building. The really astounding thing is that he did all of this as a one-man team over the course of five years. When asked why he devoted this much time to the project, he simply answered, “I have no friends.” I am honestly not sure whether to give this man a hug or applaud awkwardly.

This is normally where a reviewer would talk about his experiences playing the game, but this is the thing: I haven’t. A ROM is downloadable from various sites, but it only runs on Windows 7 and the only working Windows 7 computer even remotely near me runs poorer than, well, les miserables that rose up and built the barricades. That said, I will do my best to describe what the game is like. There are about nine playable characters, most of them ripped straight from Hugo’s novel. There is the sinner-turned-saint Jean Valjean; his daughter Cosette with a heart full of love; her pretty-boy boyfriend Marius; the revolutionary Enjolras; Eponine who embodies the term “forever alone”; the ruthless Javert; the amoral (and surprisingly fat in this version) Thenardier; a random policeman, and (I swear by the stars this is real), Cosette’s doll Ponpon; RoboJean; and the spirit of Judgement (spelled exactly like that).

Again, I can only speculate on how the game handles, however, having seen some YouTube videos the gameplay is pretty standard fighting game fair. Each character deals out punches, kicks, combos, and even special moves. While there are no epic finishing moves, each character has a special move that they can use when their health is low, like Marius summoning a legion of dead revolutionaries, Enjolras dropping the barricade on his opponent, or Ponpon hitting them with a car. Seriously, I’m not joking. In theory, it works, but in practice, the game looks heavily unbalanced. From what I can tell, anyone who knows how to use Marius well will never lose, as a few of his attacks can reduce the opponent’s health bar by half and I have not seen any other character in the game come close to doing that. On top of that, Judgement as the final boss of the single player has been described as impossible by some and not that hard by others. That said, the game looks like it was not properly tested or balanced, so it is no surprise that this game was condemned to spend eternity in the first vault of the two hundred and forty-sixth sub-basement level of obscurity (take a minute to think about that one).

So why am I bringing up such an un-noteworthy game in the first place? Honestly, I think this game should be remade for the novelty alone. It is true that I do not hear the people singing for a Les Mis fighting game, but I truly believe that this has a niche cut out for it. If someone were to revamp the controls and play, this could have a lot of potential. In fact, why stop with the game play? Why not make new characters too, even unlockable ones? Add some of the other soldiers like Grantaire, Combeferre, or Courfeyrac or perhaps some of Thenardier’s gang of thieves. You could even add in Fantine and her super move would be giving her opponent tuberculosis! And if you really wanted to draw from the book, you could have Napoleon be an unlockable, given the punishingly long attention to detail paid to the Battle of Waterloo in the book’s unabridged version. Or if you really wanted to provide a huge gem for fans of the book, make a final unlockable in the form of Victor Hugo himself, whose special move involves setting an angry hunchback against his foes. There could even be a stylized story mode that changed with each character. Maybe the more sins the character has committed, the harder Judgement as a final boss is. I honestly think that if this were given the proper work over, it could be a great cult classic among gamers. Just keep Russell Crowe as far away from it as possible.

Noah took me by complete surprise and wound up being better and more engaging than I was expecting, though not without its problems. I dare say that it’s one of the better biblical films to come out in modern cinema. This comes from the fact that, rather than shoving faith or biases down people’s throats like other films, this takes advantage of its biblical roots and makes the setting truly epic. The miracles are awe-inspiring, the wrath of God (referred to in the movie only as “The Creator”) is terrifying, and it even draws on its Old Testament roots by having fallen angels wander the earth in the form of rock monsters and small forms of what I can only be described as magic happening every day. Actually, as a bible movie, it actually comes off as very subversive, as a narration about the creation of everything in six days is juxtaposed against the Big Bang and the scientific formation of the Earth and landmasses with a huge implication that evolution actually happened. But the biggest shocker is when this movie turns around in the third act and takes an outright swipe at blind faith and claiming to follow the message of God when you don’t understand the true message! (Gee, that sound familiar, doesn’t it?) Like I said, though, it has its share of faults too. The movie has a bit of heavy-handedness by having all the wicked ones eat meat, some of the dialogue can be stilted coupled with some melodramatic acting, certain plot points can be predicted a mile away, the women in the film don’t get a lot of agency, and there are some standard plot holes that come with most early bible stories present (if Adam and Eve only had sons, who did they marry and where did they come from). It’s for these reasons that I don’t know if I see this becoming a biblical classic for the ages like Ben-Hur or even Monty Python’s Life of Brian, but I can definitely say that it’s worth watching. It definitely doesn’t deserve to be brushed aside for just being a Bible film and I would actually recommend it to religious and non-religious equally. And if you find yourself getting offended by this movie, then I would suggest that you take a step back and make sure you’re really understanding the plan.

Hey all. Just wanted to let you know that, from the 18th through the 20th, I’ll be at BABSCon (Bay Area Brony Spectacular Convention) up at the Hyatt Regency up in Burlingame, California. I’m going to be trying to increase my audience and maybe even get noticed by the professionals, but if you happen to follow my stuff, hope to see you there!

About a week ago, late on the night of April 8th, James Hellwig passed away. Hellwig was a (in)famous person in the world of wrestling under the moniker of the Ultimate Warrior, which he eventually legally changed his name to. Now I was not into wrestling, but I have seen clips of him in his persona that can only be described as bat shit insane. I have also seen clips of him as a motivation speaker, where he revealed his homophobic nature with such words of wisdom as, “Queering does not make the world work.” However, my true introduction to the halls of the mountains of madness known as the Warrior’s mind through the short-lived comic series that he wrote simply called “Warrior.” If you’re tempted to read this incomprehensible mess, don’t bother; the ever talented Linkara and Spoony have taken the liberty of looking at all four issues and verbally tearing them to pieces in the way that only internet critics can do. Consider these videos the official wake for the Ultimate Warrior.

Goodnight, sweet warrior. And thousands of jawa demons skronk thee to the Terrain of Testament. DESTRUCITY!!!!!

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a thrilling action movie and a great addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The thing I’m discovering is that each of the mini franchises in the MCU corners a certain niche that they excel at and the Captain America series’ niche is drama and heartbreak. Apart from some very strong 9/11 parallels that this movie touches upon, the characters of the Winter Soldier and Falcon are welcome additions to the world and there is a very strong theme of control vs. rogue elements running through multiple layers of the story. If I had to pick something to complain about, it’s that I found the shaky cam a bit distracting during some of the fight scenes and some of the male gaze scenes on Natasha were a little blatant. However, for the last one, you could argue that they were from Steve’s perspective and that there was an equal amount of female gaze shots present. Besides, both are minor nitpicks in what is arguably the second best film in the franchise and an absolute must-see.

Muppets Most Wanted is by no means a bad film, but it has its share of serious flaws. Apart from parts of the plot feeling very contrived and the Muppets feeling out of focus for the first half of their own movie, the tone is really dark for a Muppet movies, the parts where they move via strings or special effects dip into the uncanny valley, and quite a few of the jokes towards the Interpol officer feel very mean-spirited. However, quite a few of the positive notes are really good. The songs stand out, especially the Interrogation Song, the fourth wall jokes are spot on, there were some really clever moments in the humor and the writing, and the stuff where the Muppets play an important role is pretty engaging. On the whole, though, I feel a little let down, especially since the previous movie was so good and uplifting. It’s worth a watch, but I’d give it a matinee or a rental.

Okay, so after sitting on this piece for a little bit, my opinion on the movie has softened quite a bit. This is mainly because the good parts of the movie have stayed with me and stand out in my memory really vividly. I still think it’s a bit dark for a Muppet movie, but the good stuff was still good fun.

So some people may have noticed via either my Twitter or my other personal feeds, I haven’t been at full for about a month. Well, it’s been a little worse than that. I was actually bedridden for about three weeks and suffering for two weeks previously before actually getting it checked out. With that said, I guess I should lay the whole thing out on the table. For the past five weeks, I have been suffering from a testicular sprain.

Testicular. Sprain.

Yeah, I’m just as befuddled as you are.

Well, okay, to be more accurate, it was fluid build-up and swelling around the tube connecting the right testicle to the rest of the body, but both the symptoms and the treatments (ice on the area, anti-inflamatories, supportive garments, not agitating it) are the same as a sprain, so I call it that for simplicity’s sake. As to how I got it, I was at the gym on the bicycle machine and as I was pulling my right leg back, I felt a popping sensation in the groin area and found that driving, standing, sitting, and climbing stairs were extremely painful. And seeing as I live on the third floor with no elevator… yeah.

BUT I’m better now, or at the very least, I’m on the mend. I still feel a bit of pain now as I’m sitting, so I’m not sure if it’s completely recovered, but I’m getting there. I may have to take it easy for a few more days, which doesn’t particularly thrill me. However, I’d rather work for many months on end than work sporadically and then have to lie down because I pushed myself for too long. But the wheels are turning and soon Fish and Cherries Productions will be pumping full steam ahead.

Like you, I am shocked about the video that was leaked from inside DHX Studios containing what can only be described as “shocking debauchery.” We don’t know who the source is, but clues point to someone inside Hasbro or perhaps the head of Jan Animations, who was recently brought onto the facilities for a possible job interview. Whoever took the video did so at great risk to show us that behind the technicolor horses and friendship letters lies a bed of corruption that even the worst frat party would call extreme.

Things started out rather innocuously when Tara Strong was found eating grapes in an outfit that can best be described as a cross between Twilight Sparkle and Harley Quinn. Reliable and scrupulous sources such as TMZ report that she does everyday grocery shopping in this outfit. However, things started to get strange when Andrea Libman walked in wearing a red negligee and then threw it off to reveal a Princess Leia metal bikini underneath, all while the soundtrack to Flashdance was playing. The two women started dancing as the fire sprinklers went off and spewed whipped cream, prompting M.A. Larsen to strut in wearing nothing but a banana hammock patterned with Discord’s colors.

More and more staff began to come in as the degenerate sight increased in magnitude. We thought that things were bad when Meghan McCarthy and Sibsy started limboing under a live python and doing something unspeakable with cherries, but that was just the icing on the cake. Speaking of, it was at this point that a large wedding cake was rolled in and from inside popped out Amy Keating Rogers and Josh Haber, both wearing see-through white dressed and merged at the sides to be Siamese twins by a strange concoction of butterscotch and curdled goat milk.

However, the true horror came several minutes later when the doors swung open and in came Michelle Creber, fully dressed as Ming the Merciless, on a palanquin carried by the Living Tombstone, accompanied by a dog that had Black Gryph0n’s head attached (and talking, like a crazy experiment out of Mars Attacks). It was then that the Living Tombstone started dropping a mad beat and Michelle proceeded to call Cthulhu, Hastur, and all of the other old ones who all appeared and started warping reality around them. It was at this point that the hitherto unknown videographer ran away screaming, sounding a lot like Donald Duck singing Gwar while underwater and further escapades were unknown.

Look, I get that the studio’s motto is, “Whatever happens at DHX stays at DHX,” but I feel like a line has to be drawn somewhere. I fear that if the higher ups of Hasbro see this, this may be the end of ponies as we know it. Or… maybe they’re in on it.